2011 Movie Awards

I’m still about four movies away from feeling comfortable posting my Best of 2011 list. I’m planning on buckling down and seeing them this weekend and early next week, so look for it soon. In the meantime, here’s a list of prestigious awards I gave to movies:

The “Stuck in the Middle with You” award for Best Use of Music in a Torture Scene
Tough field this year, but it goes to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’s use of Enya’s Sail Away. Try again next year, Muppet Movie

Best Dancer who Really Can’t Dance, but had to because he was the star of the Muppet Movie
Jason Segel. Really dude, you wrote the script, you should have been able to avoid it.

The Annual, “Damn You, Movie, for Emasculating Me!” award(s) (movies that made me almost or actually cry)
2011 was a fairly manly year for me; only 50/50 caused me to get a little something in my eye. But that’s only because I’m skipping “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”. I patently refuse to see movies that are made for the sole reason of making me cry.

The award for somehow screwing up having Indiana Jones and James Bond in the same movie
Cowboys and Aliens

Best Use of CGI Monkeys who take over the world
Hall Pass

Award for having a ton of hot women dressed like school girls and Jon Hamm in your movie and inexplicably and unforgivably sucking a big one
Sucker Punch

Award for movie that could have been subtitled, “Yes, we’re selling out, but we’re going to sell a metric ass ton of toys and we’ve got a good one coming out next year (sponsored by Coca-Cola)”
Cars 2: Yes, We’re Selling Out, but We’re Going to Sell a Metric Ass Ton of Toys and We’ve Got a Good One Coming Out Next Year (sponsored by Coca-Cola)

Award for officially cementing what I’ll be listening to when the world ends
Melancholia’s perfect use of Tristan and Isolde

Award for officially cementing what I’m doing in retirement
The Guard- I’m gonna be a kickass small-town Irish Cop!

Best use of dinosaurs as an allegory for how much familial problems matter
Tree of Life

Worst use of dinosaurs for their main purpose (eating people)
Tree of Life